I know now that days will be full of dark clouds and other days of sunny days. But, the dark days are really truly difficult. I don't say hard any longer as I took a cognitive therapy class and they taught us that cement is hard and it would be hard to get through, but difficult is not an impossible situation to work through and get to the other side. So, with my tiny bit of knowledge I try and remember this. Truly, this is nothing but B.S. This is hard, difficult, sucky, stinky, just horrible, whatever you want to call it. Dark days are dark. They make you cry, they make you ache inside, your brain says you will get through it at the same time your brain says quit being brave and get into to bed and cry into your pillow. Well, the world does not operate or care how you feel on your dark days any longer. Your grieving period is over as you have moved on. Yes, I moved on because life is to short and I had no choice, but sorry world, it isn't over at all. I am trying and failing most days. I spend hours at night wishing to have a visit from him to tell me something and to make the hurt stop. No such luck. You are expected to put on the sunny face and calm demeanor and keep going. Okay, today is one of those dark days, and I made it even darker by going to see the newly laid grave stone. Yes, this was not a good thing to do on this day, but I am not thinking what is good today. Just lucky to be trying to operate and think period.
I did find one happy spot today. It seems trivial, but to me it was a bright sunny spot in my very black day. I had a horse years ago that had an amazing soft spot on his nose and rubbing it always brought a smile, and today I was petting my new puppy who is an Italian Greyhound and realized her entire body feels like that. I grabbed that happy thought and hung on to it. Here I go world, in and out of my tunnel of life.
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