This weekend for the first time since the funeral I had all my kids home. It was wonderful to hear them talking, bickering and laughing. It felt so good to me as it seemed so familiar. But wait, this felt like what it used to be before the death took us to another place. I can't feel the same, but I do. What is going on? I can't just be happy and feel the same, but not have him here any longer. This is wrong. Or is it? Sometimes things appear to be the same but now have some different people in some of the roles. It's not wrong, it's just different. It feels the same, but not completely, it's a bit strange. Sometimes I stop and want to tell him something and then get 'slapped' in the face that he isn't here any longer, and the new one doesn't have the history of the family to get the humor in it. Don't judge, don't feel bad, just keep feeling, and remember to breathe. I think I ended up with lots of body aches and headaches because I kept remembering so many family days together and now they are no more and never will be. Oh my g-d, I miss him. These moments really remind me of what we had and how perfectly wonderful those times were. Why did you leave me? I wish I could believe you will come back but I know you will not. You are gone, I must go forward. I miss you and I am so angry you left me. I feel tears welling up in my eyes and do not want to cry, I am so sick of crying. When will it stop?
Thank you to my wonderful children for coming home. I know you have busy lives as adults, but you will always be my babies and I couldn't live a day without the three of you. Thank you to the new person in my life for letting me heal in my own manner and being there without questioning my actions. One day at a time might be for a 12 step program, but this is my own problem and that phrase is perfect in this case too.
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