In and out of the dark tunnels

I know now that days will be full of dark clouds and other days of sunny days.  But, the dark days are really truly difficult.  I don't say hard any longer as I took a cognitive therapy class and they taught us that cement is hard and it would be hard to get through, but difficult is not an impossible situation to work through and get to the other side.  So, with my tiny bit of knowledge I try and remember this.  Truly, this is nothing but B.S.  This is hard, difficult, sucky, stinky, just horrible, whatever you want to call it.  Dark days are dark.  They make you cry, they make you ache inside, your brain says you will get through it at the same time your brain says quit being brave and get into to bed and cry into your pillow.  Well, the world does not operate or care how you feel on your dark days any longer.  Your grieving period is over as you have moved on.  Yes, I moved on because life is to short and I had no choice, but sorry world, it isn't over at all.  I am trying and failing most days.  I spend hours at night wishing to have a visit from him to tell me something and to make the hurt stop.  No such luck.  You are expected to put on the sunny face and calm demeanor and keep going.  Okay, today is one of those dark days,  and I made it even darker by going to see the newly laid grave stone.  Yes, this was not a good thing to do on this day, but I am not thinking what is good today.  Just lucky to be trying to operate and think period.

I did find one happy spot today.  It seems trivial, but to me it was a bright sunny spot in my very black day.  I had a horse years ago that had an amazing soft spot on his nose and rubbing it always brought a smile, and today I was petting my new puppy who is an Italian Greyhound and realized her entire body feels like that.  I grabbed that happy thought and hung on to it.  Here I go world, in and out of my tunnel of life.

Inspiration

Today I was told that I was an inspiration.  Wow, I thought I was barely functioning most of the time.  I feel like I'm on auto pilot.  One foot, then the next.  This man lost his wife a couple of months ago.  He is probably 20 or so years older than I am, but he says I always can make him feel better.  I did something for someone else to feel better today. I am so thrilled to have brought even just a moment of happiness to someone who is in pain and can't stop the hurt.  I hurt everyday for what I lost, but everyday I look for a ray of sunshine too.  I look for that person who can make me smile or laugh, I take each hug from someone special as the best hug I have had, I listen to a good song and appreciate the ability to hear it, I shovel the snowy walk way because I have arms and strength in them.  I appreciate a friend stopping by also as one of my gifts/happiness for today.

I saw a women standing in the cold talking on her phone in front of a store last night.  She looked so sad, she was talking and crying at the same time, and it was so cold.  Then right on the walkway two people were yelling at each other while they each were each holding onto a stroller with a small child in it.  Yelling in front of the kids was not what I saw, I saw two little children being stuck out in the cold with the adults not being aware that they were probably freezing just sitting there. 

Take a look around you, others hurt, cry, suffer.  Is your day really that bad? 

In with the new, but I don't want to throw out the old

This weekend for the first time since the funeral I had all my kids home.  It was wonderful to hear them talking, bickering and laughing.  It felt so good to me as it seemed so familiar. But wait, this felt like what it used to be before the death took us to another place.  I can't feel the same, but I do.  What is going on?  I can't just be happy and feel the same, but not have him here any longer.  This is wrong.  Or is it?  Sometimes things appear to be the same but now have some different people in some of the roles.  It's not wrong, it's just different.  It feels the same, but not completely, it's a bit strange.  Sometimes I stop and want to tell him something and then get 'slapped' in the face that he isn't here any longer, and the new one doesn't have the history of the family to get the humor in it.  Don't judge, don't feel bad, just keep feeling, and remember to breathe.  I think I ended up with lots of body aches and headaches because I kept remembering so many family days together and now they are no more and never will be.  Oh my g-d, I miss him.  These moments really remind me of what we had and how perfectly wonderful those times were.  Why did you leave me?  I wish I could believe you will come back but I know you will not.  You are gone, I must go forward.  I miss you and I am so angry you left me.  I feel tears welling up in my eyes and do not want to cry, I am so sick of crying.  When will it stop?  

Thank you to my wonderful children for coming home.  I know you have busy lives as adults, but you will always be my babies and I couldn't live a day without the three of you.  Thank you to the new person in my life for letting me heal in my own manner and being there without questioning my actions.  One day at a time might be for a 12 step program, but this is my own problem and that phrase is perfect in this case too.

The Bumps

Another can of rotting worms opened today.  I am wondering as I try to slow down my racing heart and pounding head to catch my breath, what sunny day will make all this mess end?  Writing helps so much. I know over reacting is so much in my nature, but I have begun to slow down and ask for help when something happens.  I do not have to do it all, and many people will help if you talk nicely, tell them of what you are trying to work through, and say "can you help me please".  Case in point, the IRS.  Today I was thrown a curve ball as we had purchased our business back in April 2006.  Filed all the tax payments and such for all these years.  Today I got a notice for one of the types of payments, (and there seem to be many) and I had a notice stating the payment had been received so I just wanted to take the time to connect the dots and move on with todays work load.  No such luck.  Turns out that when the business changed ownership it wasn't totally closed down correctly with the IRS, things should have easily been closed and reopened, but they were not.  So, calling today I had to find out how to close, which is another process in itself, but the IRS lady helped me get the proper information together and date it back to January 1, 2011 so I can start hopefully out with a clean slate this year.  Then as I started to breathe she reminded me that my CPA, Attorney and Quick Books Payroll would all have to be updated, changed, corrected, closed, etc.  Oh well, I did get enough help from the IRS today that I didn't hang up needing a straight jacket.  She was clear in what I needed to do and what she could do for me from her end.  A little ray of sunshine poked his head at me for a brief moment. 

Last Friday, a rental house of mine, burst a hot water pipe and basically destroyed the entire kitchen, including the cabinets, the entire upstairs flooring and the downstairs flooring (sadly which included beautiful real hardwood flooring) besides the walls.  Breathing slowly, I called the insurance company, got a plumber and connected with the water extraction company.  Dealt with the heating company as the heater under the house filled with water and froze.  Okay, this is just a part of the damage that happening, but why go into too much detail?  Dealing with the current tenant, I wouldn't take his calls until I had answers and I had calmed down as I knew he would over react and we didn't need an ugly scene.  Breathe Kim, remember there is a lot of happiness and good in your life.  What you might ask?  How much more can she take?  I will take what I need to take to keep my life going forward and feeling happy.  I will be the happiest when all my children will be home for this upcoming weekend.  From New York and Los Angeles to Reno.  All my precious children will be here.  That is what keeps me smiling today.  Looking forward to a houseful of smiles, hugs and lots of love.  Love helps when the world seems dark and ugly.  Hug someone today.  It will make your day be so much brighter.

Time doesn't always make it better or worse

Yesterday I had a shock when I was told by a customer that he and his wife were a part of that horrible Arizona shooting, and that his wife had died.  He said, I now know how you feel with the suddenness of your loved ones death.  All the pain racked through me again of how the loss first felt.  I was nauseated and wanted to break down into tears.  He said he was shot twice also, but was doing much better even though they hadn't expected him to live.  He then went on to the business part of his call. 

Do I have a right to feel this horrible pain again?  He had his wife of nearly 55 years that he loved dearly die, and I had no where close to that amount of time together.  But pain and loss is the same.  It hurts, aches and makes you want to crawl under a blanket in bed.  He did say something that made me feel a bit better.  He told me he said I love you to his wife 20-30 times a day so he knows that never did she have a second to doubt his love and that she was struck in the heart by two bullets and died instantly, but he knew she knew he loved her to the last breath. 

So, I take this as another reason to live each day fully.  Never miss a moment to tell your loved ones that you love them, never take for granted the time you have together.  If someone does leave you at least you don't have to go through life saying "I wish I had one more moment so I could say, I love you."  

I so much loved what I had, but also love what I have today. It is not the same, but it is also special.     

Don't Compare

Life has made a lot of changes on me and those that are close to me, both personally and in business.  Things are not, and will not be the same no matter how badly or much I want it to.  You can't pick out the parts you like and the parts you didn't like and get grumpy over the parts no longer available.  You can not compare anything.  Life has changed without your permission.  I have to think so much before I speak as there are many things I miss, but they went with him.  Now I have so many other things I would miss if my new life shifted.  Life is ever changing.  Appreciate and live life to the furthest today.  Don't worry about the past and definitely do not compare the past with the present.

The other day I caught the end of the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  The Greek poppa loved to find the Greek origin of any words, so as he was toasting his daughter and her new husband (who is not Greek) he explains the root of the word for his family name was 'orange' and the Greek origin of his daughter's new last name is 'apple'.  Yes, they are different, but in the end both fruits. 

That is my life today.  A basket of fruit, but once in awhile I get a taste of what I had tasted before, but mostly I am tasting new pieces of fruit and they can be yummy too.  Different is sometimes just as wonderful.

Just go with the flow

Yesterday was Super Bowl.  Every year some friends throw a party.  They invite many people that they see regularly and I see maybe 2-3 times a year.  Yesterday I was a bit nervous wondering what they would think, but you know what?  They were all great.  It was just like old times with a bit of new memories thrown in.  I appreciate people who go with "the flow".  These are the people that I am comfortable hanging with.  No judging being put on me who is trying to go on with her life without having to make drastic changes in it. My life has already been drastically changed for the rest of my life as it is. 

My closest girlfriends have also been rock solid with "going with the flow".  They know my heart will always have a part missing but understand that life goes on and they rather support me than have to see me holed up at home in tears.  Thank you dear friends.

I am also thankful for an old friend from high school that read my blog and has contacted me. I'm smart enough to know I am not the only one that has gone through this, but you feel alone when you don't know anyone who has gone through it. I don't wish anyone to go through this, but she has and it is a comfort of sorts to know I'm not alone.

Block

I was notified that the headstone is complete.  I had put off picking one as it seemed so final.  Well it was, and what do you say on it?  I was so mad at him the first time they asked me if I was ready to pick one, that I said it probably wasn't a good idea because I was thinking that I would have something written that I would regret. This is a very emotional decision for the living.  You think of the person who you are marking for eternity, but it is you that has to write something, pay for it (why are tombstones the cost of a prized bull?), pick the color, pick the shape, and I'm sorry it was awful to do.  I took my daughter with me, she wanted to be a part of it and I was grateful for her being there, and I thought I was totally ready to do this, but in hind-site, I wasn't.   We picked something we thought was proper, respectful and showed that he was loved.  But this was so stressful that my daughter and I had a verbal conflict as we left the funeral home.  It was like we were all together in the funeral home and the stress and pain built up inside us like a volcano and erupted as we left the building. 


Death is difficult for the living, not hard, concrete is hard.  You can get through difficult times, but you will cry, and hurt and feel numb.  We will go on.  But I do wonder when things will be completed, when will it just be the future and not all the mess of the past trying to be cleaned up.  Who knew that one person who had what I would say a life that appeared "put together" would leave so many things that now appear like a giant pile of dirty laundry.  The "clean up" seems to go on and on for the living.  One moment the person is there and things don't seem complicated, and then one moment they are gone and you are falling down a steep cliff.  I only hope there is a lush meadow at the bottom when I am done falling.

Today

I wasn't sure if I wanted this to be private or to share it.  I decided to share it because I hope to help someone if it happens to them.  I still wish that when I wake in the morning it would be nothing but a bad dream, but it won't happen.  Please remember if you read this I was loved by a wonderful man.  He loved his daughter and his step children. He loved my family.  He loved his dad, step mom and mom. He was happy he was at peace even with his ex wife and that I could count her as a friend. I am going on because that is what I need to do. My step-mother in law made the best comment to me, she said, "He chose you this new person for your life as he couldn't be there for you." It is still so fresh but with the love of my family and friends I am continuing.

Some points

Here is a partial list of things to note:

• If you are lucky and have children, especially adult children, then you can lean on them a bit, but remember they are grieving too.  My husband was the step dad, but he was the one that had been there.  You get caught up in your grief and healing and sometimes things are said or handled incorrectly at the time.  But time does heal and I can't imagine the strength that I got from my three kids.  I leaned heavily on my youngest as she was the one at home with me.  I can't imagine how even more awful it would have been without her there for me. Don't get me wrong, there were rough times and I think the older siblings were ready to disconnect their phones so they wouldn't have to talk to us, but things are good again and I thank them in my heart daily for being there for me.
• If you cannot get a death certificate (due to the coroner not ready to release the cause of death) then ask for a letter from the coroner stating the time and date of death.  Not going to do much good to take care of things at the bank, but will help you get some things moving along. You need something in writing from someone of power.  I wonder now, who would lie and say there spouse was dead?
• You do not have to put an obituary in to the paper.  It is up to you.  I chose not to place one.
• Confirm when you are ready that the funeral home might have already added in a basic cost of a headstone, and when you are ready to order it they might have already collected the cost at the time of burial.  I didn't know that, but was glad I contacted them for a place to have one made otherwise I wouldn't have known that.  I have paperwork from the funeral but filed it away otherwise I would have known this.
• If you live in a community property state make note - even if the credit card was never in your name or used by you, they can put the charge off on your credit report.  Example: I sent the letter of death from the coroner to Bank Card A & B, they told me since it was never mine they would close the account.  Then I find out that my credit score has dropped nearly 200 points due to a charge off being posted on my credit report.  Turns out it shouldn't have been put on and they will take it off after I send a letter to each of the credit reporting agencies, and the removal can take 90-120 days.  So keep an eye on your credit scores.
• Grief counseling might be good for some but I went to one, felt like I was throwing my money away.  I decided to do something that we had planned for some time and finish a remodel that was never started.  I spent less then I would of for counseling and now have a great addition to our home.
• Your friends do want to do something for you but don't know really what you want done.  Don't push them away, accept whatever they offer.  A cup of coffee, a visit, a phone call.  It is so easy to say you are fine and need nothing. You need them. 
• Crying. It happens and don't apologize for the tears.  Let them come.  It washes the soul.

The surprises and shocks

So, you go to the funeral home to arrange the funeral.  Let's be real, who has any experience in what to do, let alone be able to think when your grief is eating not only your heart but your brain as well.  You want to do things right, you don't even know what is right or wrong, but you are smart enough to know you don't get a "do over" if anything isn't decided at this time.  The grieving party puts a lot of trust into what the funeral director is telling them.  Not always a good idea, but all you can do is hope for someone to have suggested the right place to go and that they won't take advantage of you.  Even with a very good friend to help you through this, realize that the good friend is experiencing the loss of her friend and is hurting too.

We are Jewish and I know we keep things somewhat simple and the burial happens as soon as possible.  Well, it was Friday afternoon, we don't do burials on Saturdays, can't do them on Sundays since the people who prepare the ground are from the Catholic cemetery and they don't work on Sundays, so Monday morning it is.  So, the funeral director knows from experience what the appropriate casket is, great, one less thing to discuss, they know who to contact for the plot at the Jewish cemetery too.  Okay this is happening without a lot of decisions having to be made.  Then the questions are asked, well I know they were asked, but at this time I would bet $1000 that I heard or understood the question they asked me that day.  I guess they asked me if I wanted a side by side plot or one with a deeper stack-able plot.  No one asked if I wanted a single plot.  Planning my death was not on my agenda but I had not a thought at the time that there was another choice that was not being asked of me. So, I choose the less costly of my choices.  I was numb, I was in shock, I was so full of grief I couldn't tell you my name.  The only question I did hear was did you want to see him.  Yes, I wanted to see him.  No, I couldn't look at him dead.  Yes, No.  Who knew what I wanted.  Then it hit me, if I didn't see him now I would never see him again.  Yes, I said.  The funeral director said he wouldn't let me look at him as he was right now. Come back in the morning and he will be ready for you to say good bye.  I demanded to see him now, but they wouldn't let me.  I'm sure there was a good reason, so I folded and said I would come back in the morning.  I am forever thankful that I did.  I hated seeing him dead.  I hated that he wouldn't open his eyes ever again and hug and kiss me and tell me this was all a mistake and he was there for me, and that everything was alright.  But I got to tell him good bye and that he was forever a part of me, and that no matter that it wasn't for long enough, I thanked him for showing me what true love was all about.  It was hard to walk away, but at least I got to say good bye.  I believe you need to do things so you don't regret an opportunity that may never be available again.  This was one of those times.  Kissing him one last time as he laid there asleep forever, I walked away from what I would say was as close to a perfect marriage as I would have ever dreamed.  Good bye my beloved and best friend.

Jump to the present

How come when someone dies others feel they have a right to judge you?  Last night I had to tell a family member that I was in a new relationship.  This was because a large family/friend event was happening and I had been invited solo.  I hadn't had a chance to bring my new man around yet so I thought I would give a call to let them know.  Well, I was talked to like a stranger who picked up some guy off the street and wanted to bring a date.  I am in a new committed relationship.  Yes, I miss my late husband, but nothing I can do will bring him and my old life back.  I need to make a new life.  Stop judging me, stop thinking it is too soon.  I am crying inside for him, but I do not or will not let my life stop because he died.  I do not have any choices.  Yes, the family loved him and he was a part of my family life, but he left not me.  Why do I feel like I should just be the happy widow women and be a third wheel at all events? Because they want me to not have a new person, well they surely don't have the right.  How many nights I stared at the ceiling wishing for sleep?  Thinking about how and why did I now have to handle so many problems that arose with his death.  It was awful, it was difficult, it was time consuming, it was costly.  Why did he have to die?  I had a very happy loving life.  But he did die, and I choose to move on.  I also choose to be happy.  I found a loving man who understood loss, understood business, understood hard work, understood that I had a life before with someone I truly loved.  He has been there for me and makes it easier to get up in the morning and stay standing all day.  I thought I was handling things without bothering others.  I had a couple of acres, a large home, a business with employees, legal issues, health issues and more, but I didn't cry to my family, I didn't ask for assistance or help from my family.  I did it on my own, but they sure give me a disgusted tone when I tell them I am not alone any more.  I don't care, well, I really do care, but it is what it is.  I choose my life and they are important, but they have not or will not be an active part in my life as they have their own lives.  So, today I am happy.  I am thankful for my new love.  It is a warm fuzzy feeling to have someone to lean on.