One year has now passed

One year has now passed since my love, best friend, business partner and husband left.  It has been lonely, sad, depressing, difficult, crazy.  I could go on and on with the words, but the main word that jumps into my mind is strength.  STRENGTH. Not strength that I gained from having to do things myself, figure out things myself, or decisions by myself.  But strength in knowing what I must have or need to be happy.  Strength that he gave me to understand myself better.  Strength to not settle.

We miss you greatly.  You are in our thoughts all the time.  We remember your laughter, your smile, the twinkle in your eyes. Thank you for giving us a part of you.  I wish we had had much, much more time, but I will always be thankful to you for sharing the small part of your life we had together.   

51 weeks

I am amazed and still so shocked by his death and next Friday it will be one year.  So many changes, yet so much is the same.  You get into a new pattern, but still waiting for "the road" to be smoother.  I hit many bumps but I also get a bit of easy going at times.  I never wake up or go to sleep without thinking of him.  I know the questions I have will never be answered.   I know so much more than I did 51 weeks ago.  It is only easier because I choose to make it that way.  The road you choose is always your choice.  I wanted him and I will never feel anything but thankful for having had him touch my life and those around me.  I will always wish I had him for my lifetime, but I couldn't.  My other option would never had him at all and then I wouldn't have learned from him the many things he taught and showed me.  I can never stop loving him or holding him in my heart, but he allowed my heart to hold so much love and I will go on.

Eleventh Month

It is nearly a year since Spencer has died.  My life has been an ocean voyage.  Calm seas and rough seas.  Sometimes I feel confident in my sea legs and other times I wish I could fling myself overboard and stop the hurt.  I have finally in this 11th month found some answers, one important one is make new dreams for myself to take the place of those we had.  Mostly I have truly found out that he will always be a part of my soul, and be the one I loved truly deeply, but, and this is a big BUT, I will move on.  I will laugh, smile and love again.  I want him to reappear and tell me I was sick and these were all nightmares, but enough of fairy tales.  It happened, he's gone, I can't or will not ever forget him. I will move on, make new plans, make new memories, but forever keep not locked away but wear it proudly on my chest the love he gave me, the friend he was, the special man who touched my life and that I loved unconditionally.

Loving again will never replace him, loving again will just open my heart and take away some of the void that was left inside me. He would want me to smile and be happy.  He always made me feel like a princess, by his care and love, so now I will still say time does not heal, but time does help you make it though the day a bit easier. 

A bit clearer

Some days everything appears foggy, confusing, never-to-see-a-light type of day.  Last evening I went and did girl stuff with a friend.  Taking a walk along the lake, talking, shopping, and ending with dinner.  I was holding many things in for a long time as I hadn't had a chance to share my feelings for quite a bit of time that it was like a giant weight off me when I had a chance just to say it out loud and some one listened without judgment.  I wasn't really looking for answers or something deep to think about.  I have spent so many hours already thinking that I could just stop for even a second and see the entire "play" in my mind over and over again. What I needed and what I received was one of those priceless gifts of understanding and a smile.  Thank you so much.  Some things are truly priceless. 

Time goes by but......

It has been 10 months, sometimes, it feels only like 10 hours, other times 10 years.  People try and move on.  We try to put on a brave face and act like we are healing.  Not happening for me yet.  Everything is still so painful.  I can't stop thinking how safe and sure of my future I had been.  Was it a lie?  Was it nothing but pipe dreams?  Who knows.  I do know I do not want to think about all my plans not happening.  I have set a goal of just one or two things at a time.  Right now, it's passing a state exam for work.  Then I will think further out afterwords.  One step at a time.  Really quite true. 

Numbers

9 months 26 days.  I can't believe it's been this short of time one minute or so very long the next.  Usually nine months means the birth of a new baby.  Good happy times.  This nine months plus just makes me realize the roller coaster I have been on and how I so want to get off of it.  I thought things were healing over and feeling better, but more times than not this isn't the truth of the matter.  Wet eyes at inopportune moments, dreams smashed, plans changed.  Why I ask?  Not that I expect an answer, but one would be extremely nice. 

Why did this happen to me?  Stop feeling sorry for yourself and buckle down.  I can't, I don't want to, but I know I must.  I am tired.  Not sleepy, just tired of the stress, the loss, the sadness, etc etc.  I am waiting for my new addition of a new happy life.

Be there

Today I was saddened by the news of a friend who's husband died suddenly.  People ask how, and I answer "Does it matter?"  The fact is he is gone.  Not coming back.  Can't be fixed with money.  GONE. 

The important part of this horrible situation is the living.  They are hurting, worse than most can imagine. They are lost, confused, hurt, sad, the words can go on and on.  What can you do to help?  BE THERE.  Do not ask how they are doing, they are barely doing.  Do not ask, what can I do?  They don't know, they can't think, they hurt.  Don't tell them to eat, they are not hungry.  A cup of herbal tea and some water is a must though.  They can dehydrate very easily.  They only want one thing.  What they want you can not give them.  You can not answer why it is happening, you can only listen.  You can not do anything and do not tell them you understand unless you have been in the EXACT situation.  They do not want to hear your story of loss, especially if it isn't the same situation.  They do not need to know you have suffered more, they don't need to hear this, and they can not hurt more than what they are feeling.  Rest is a good thing, crying is normal, questions are normal.  But remember you can't fix things.  Don't think you are uncaring if you don't know what to do.  The one thing that is the worst thing I heard was being told, 'you are strong, you will get through this.'  At this point a new born is feeling more powerful than I was a that point. 

What you can do is when they start thinking a bit clearer?  BE THERE.  It is worse after time goes by, and I don't mean even a lot of time. Yes, we realize we have pain but we also have obligations. We need to keep going some how. Please reach out and say hi. Reach out and ask, 'lunch'?  Movie?  Shopping?  A few moments of normalcy is a great gift during this new period of time. My greatest hurt was the extreme loneliness when people continued on with their lives and my life was no longer the life I wanted to continue.  He was gone and I had to continue on a different path. I hated traveling down roads by myself at times, but it was the best option to me. Many times this path makes the pain come back and hurt all over again, but I have no choice but to keep moving. Living is important.  Life is short.  BE THERE.

I will always be thankful for the friends and family who still remember that my road changed and not by my choice.  The sadness is still very much there.  Maybe I cry a bit less, but the insides are really not healed. As a friend of someone who is hurting.  Don't ask, just do.