Be there

Today I was saddened by the news of a friend who's husband died suddenly.  People ask how, and I answer "Does it matter?"  The fact is he is gone.  Not coming back.  Can't be fixed with money.  GONE. 

The important part of this horrible situation is the living.  They are hurting, worse than most can imagine. They are lost, confused, hurt, sad, the words can go on and on.  What can you do to help?  BE THERE.  Do not ask how they are doing, they are barely doing.  Do not ask, what can I do?  They don't know, they can't think, they hurt.  Don't tell them to eat, they are not hungry.  A cup of herbal tea and some water is a must though.  They can dehydrate very easily.  They only want one thing.  What they want you can not give them.  You can not answer why it is happening, you can only listen.  You can not do anything and do not tell them you understand unless you have been in the EXACT situation.  They do not want to hear your story of loss, especially if it isn't the same situation.  They do not need to know you have suffered more, they don't need to hear this, and they can not hurt more than what they are feeling.  Rest is a good thing, crying is normal, questions are normal.  But remember you can't fix things.  Don't think you are uncaring if you don't know what to do.  The one thing that is the worst thing I heard was being told, 'you are strong, you will get through this.'  At this point a new born is feeling more powerful than I was a that point. 

What you can do is when they start thinking a bit clearer?  BE THERE.  It is worse after time goes by, and I don't mean even a lot of time. Yes, we realize we have pain but we also have obligations. We need to keep going some how. Please reach out and say hi. Reach out and ask, 'lunch'?  Movie?  Shopping?  A few moments of normalcy is a great gift during this new period of time. My greatest hurt was the extreme loneliness when people continued on with their lives and my life was no longer the life I wanted to continue.  He was gone and I had to continue on a different path. I hated traveling down roads by myself at times, but it was the best option to me. Many times this path makes the pain come back and hurt all over again, but I have no choice but to keep moving. Living is important.  Life is short.  BE THERE.

I will always be thankful for the friends and family who still remember that my road changed and not by my choice.  The sadness is still very much there.  Maybe I cry a bit less, but the insides are really not healed. As a friend of someone who is hurting.  Don't ask, just do.