One year has now passed

One year has now passed since my love, best friend, business partner and husband left.  It has been lonely, sad, depressing, difficult, crazy.  I could go on and on with the words, but the main word that jumps into my mind is strength.  STRENGTH. Not strength that I gained from having to do things myself, figure out things myself, or decisions by myself.  But strength in knowing what I must have or need to be happy.  Strength that he gave me to understand myself better.  Strength to not settle.

We miss you greatly.  You are in our thoughts all the time.  We remember your laughter, your smile, the twinkle in your eyes. Thank you for giving us a part of you.  I wish we had had much, much more time, but I will always be thankful to you for sharing the small part of your life we had together.   

51 weeks

I am amazed and still so shocked by his death and next Friday it will be one year.  So many changes, yet so much is the same.  You get into a new pattern, but still waiting for "the road" to be smoother.  I hit many bumps but I also get a bit of easy going at times.  I never wake up or go to sleep without thinking of him.  I know the questions I have will never be answered.   I know so much more than I did 51 weeks ago.  It is only easier because I choose to make it that way.  The road you choose is always your choice.  I wanted him and I will never feel anything but thankful for having had him touch my life and those around me.  I will always wish I had him for my lifetime, but I couldn't.  My other option would never had him at all and then I wouldn't have learned from him the many things he taught and showed me.  I can never stop loving him or holding him in my heart, but he allowed my heart to hold so much love and I will go on.

Eleventh Month

It is nearly a year since Spencer has died.  My life has been an ocean voyage.  Calm seas and rough seas.  Sometimes I feel confident in my sea legs and other times I wish I could fling myself overboard and stop the hurt.  I have finally in this 11th month found some answers, one important one is make new dreams for myself to take the place of those we had.  Mostly I have truly found out that he will always be a part of my soul, and be the one I loved truly deeply, but, and this is a big BUT, I will move on.  I will laugh, smile and love again.  I want him to reappear and tell me I was sick and these were all nightmares, but enough of fairy tales.  It happened, he's gone, I can't or will not ever forget him. I will move on, make new plans, make new memories, but forever keep not locked away but wear it proudly on my chest the love he gave me, the friend he was, the special man who touched my life and that I loved unconditionally.

Loving again will never replace him, loving again will just open my heart and take away some of the void that was left inside me. He would want me to smile and be happy.  He always made me feel like a princess, by his care and love, so now I will still say time does not heal, but time does help you make it though the day a bit easier.