The nightmare starts

It has been some time since my husband died, but I wanted to write it down and not only help myself, but maybe help others.

We were business partners, best friends, married with plans that went out decades.  We loved each other, we did everything together.  We went to work together, he drove me even to my nail appointments and picked me up.  He was an active step dad to all my kids, my youngest spent the most time with him. He volunteered with the Chamber of Commerce, he joined business groups to help grow the business, he volunteered with the high school band parents group. Believed in G-d and believed in our religion.  He always said the religion gave him a strong anchor and made him complete.  Don't get me wrong, he wasn't some crazy religious person, but he loved the services and the history that made up our religion. 

So what happened, I don't know and I will never know.  Thursday, we were at work all day together as usual and after work I left with a co worker to take a class at the gym which I had started a few weeks prior.  The class would be done by 6:30 pm and he said he would meet me at home as my youngest was going to the class also and I didn't need a ride home tonight.  I never saw him alive again after kissing him good bye at the office that day. 

Don't believe the TV or movies you see about how they tell you someone you love has died.  I get a message to call a number, I dial and say my name, they say, we are calling to tell you your husband is dead. That is it.  No, nice people who come to your door and say, "please sit down", no, "I'm sorry to tell you", nothing.  Just a cold voice telling me my husband is dead.  I didn't believe them, but they identified our car, etc and I knew it was him. I was alone in my bedroom and I just screamed. They told me that someone out walking had found him in our car parked in a cul de sac off a main road.   Thinking this really couldn't be happening but knowing it was I called a girlfriend and she came right over. I knew I had to be doing something and I didn't want to have to do it alone.

Friday morning, now the nightmare starts, but it is only during the waking hours that this happens.  Sleep, even just a few moments worth, brought the only peace that I would have for a very long time.