Phones calls were made, people calling. Family members rushed home. The weekend was a deep dark cloud to me. Monday morning someone drove me to the cemetery and my beloved husband was buried. I sat at my house as people came by, but I really can't remember much about that part. What I do remember is the sudden phone calls I received telling me that I would need help in the business with legal issues that I would not be able to properly deal with. Come on, I just buried my husband, give me a second to breathe. No way. Let's throw it on me right away. Ask for a face to face meeting first thing on Tuesday. Get calls that I can't even repeat as I am so shocked even months later about.
Okay, I am a pretty organized person, great with details. So, I figure find a group and get some support, otherwise I would crawl into bed into a fetal position and be no good to anyone. So, I started by asking others, religious people, hospital, funeral home, etc., "where can I find a support group?". Well, I found some myself by "googling" it. One was very religious, not for me, I couldn't take G-d wanted him for something better, I needed him. I loved him. What was better? Then the next group pretty much threw me the curve ball. Me: Hi, I am a new widow and I'm looking for a group to help me get through this. Lady on Phone: Of course, we are a great group to help you. Me: Thank heavens. I'm so lost I need someone to help guide me. Lady on Phone: How long have you been a widow? Me: One week. Lady on Phone: Oh no, I have been a widow for 10 years and have just begun healing myself. Call us when it has been at least 6 months or longer. Me: Thank you.
Are you kidding? I do not want to feel like this in 10 years! I have my life to live, life is too short. I have plans and dreams and wishes. I am not ready to be an old widow women. Okay, need to get up and find my plan B.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The nightmare starts
It has been some time since my husband died, but I wanted to write it down and not only help myself, but maybe help others.
We were business partners, best friends, married with plans that went out decades. We loved each other, we did everything together. We went to work together, he drove me even to my nail appointments and picked me up. He was an active step dad to all my kids, my youngest spent the most time with him. He volunteered with the Chamber of Commerce, he joined business groups to help grow the business, he volunteered with the high school band parents group. Believed in G-d and believed in our religion. He always said the religion gave him a strong anchor and made him complete. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't some crazy religious person, but he loved the services and the history that made up our religion.
So what happened, I don't know and I will never know. Thursday, we were at work all day together as usual and after work I left with a co worker to take a class at the gym which I had started a few weeks prior. The class would be done by 6:30 pm and he said he would meet me at home as my youngest was going to the class also and I didn't need a ride home tonight. I never saw him alive again after kissing him good bye at the office that day.
Don't believe the TV or movies you see about how they tell you someone you love has died. I get a message to call a number, I dial and say my name, they say, we are calling to tell you your husband is dead. That is it. No, nice people who come to your door and say, "please sit down", no, "I'm sorry to tell you", nothing. Just a cold voice telling me my husband is dead. I didn't believe them, but they identified our car, etc and I knew it was him. I was alone in my bedroom and I just screamed. They told me that someone out walking had found him in our car parked in a cul de sac off a main road. Thinking this really couldn't be happening but knowing it was I called a girlfriend and she came right over. I knew I had to be doing something and I didn't want to have to do it alone.
Friday morning, now the nightmare starts, but it is only during the waking hours that this happens. Sleep, even just a few moments worth, brought the only peace that I would have for a very long time.
We were business partners, best friends, married with plans that went out decades. We loved each other, we did everything together. We went to work together, he drove me even to my nail appointments and picked me up. He was an active step dad to all my kids, my youngest spent the most time with him. He volunteered with the Chamber of Commerce, he joined business groups to help grow the business, he volunteered with the high school band parents group. Believed in G-d and believed in our religion. He always said the religion gave him a strong anchor and made him complete. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't some crazy religious person, but he loved the services and the history that made up our religion.
So what happened, I don't know and I will never know. Thursday, we were at work all day together as usual and after work I left with a co worker to take a class at the gym which I had started a few weeks prior. The class would be done by 6:30 pm and he said he would meet me at home as my youngest was going to the class also and I didn't need a ride home tonight. I never saw him alive again after kissing him good bye at the office that day.
Don't believe the TV or movies you see about how they tell you someone you love has died. I get a message to call a number, I dial and say my name, they say, we are calling to tell you your husband is dead. That is it. No, nice people who come to your door and say, "please sit down", no, "I'm sorry to tell you", nothing. Just a cold voice telling me my husband is dead. I didn't believe them, but they identified our car, etc and I knew it was him. I was alone in my bedroom and I just screamed. They told me that someone out walking had found him in our car parked in a cul de sac off a main road. Thinking this really couldn't be happening but knowing it was I called a girlfriend and she came right over. I knew I had to be doing something and I didn't want to have to do it alone.
Friday morning, now the nightmare starts, but it is only during the waking hours that this happens. Sleep, even just a few moments worth, brought the only peace that I would have for a very long time.
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